Finding rhythm is something I’m discovering more and more every day that I suck at.
What are my limits?
It seems I’ve pushed them for years without slowing.
Maybe now its the reality that I’m not 18 anymore.
Or maybe its the weight of legitimate responsibilities.
Perhaps it could be the cumulative result of years of running beyond my abilities.
Whatever it is, I’ve hit a wall.
Something has to go.
But it feels like at this point that I can’t finish, and I can’t quit.
I’m suspended somewhere between the two, being equally drawn to both.
I can’t even contemplate it without being broken down.
But which is best for me?
Something needs to be taken off my plate.
I’m beginning to think I was too quick to reload after leaving my last church.
There were some scars that I haven’t let heal properly.
I’m slowly learning that maybe its okay to not try to do everything.
Maybe its okay not to finish some things.
I’ve never given up on this kind of pursuit before.
That may be the hardest part for me.
The realization of my greatest fears, combined in one overwhelming instant: failure, and disappointing others.
The line between God’s sovereignty and his mercy and grace blurs for me from time to time.
Weeping lasts for a night, but joy comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5)
And that has been the case for me lately.
More nights than not I find myself falling asleep in a pool of tears.
There hasn’t been anything I find joy in.
The only thing that resembles rest in my life now is when sleep finally overtakes my beleaguered body.
I’ve found some peace during the Monday night prayer service at the Storehouse.
Its good, but its still so unfamiliar.
A safe place where I have yet to grow comfortable enough to enjoy the freedom provided there.
I suppose its no coincidence that everywhere I seem to turn these days, these words follow me:
But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
the waves will not overtake you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. (Isaiah 43:1-3)
So though I do not understand why I feel like this in this season, still I worship.
Because He is with me.
These waves, these worries, these responsibilities will not overtake me.
Because I am His.
Peace and love.