Inadequate.

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. – 1 Peter 5:8

Satan knows us.
And he knows our weaknesses.

And like a lion, he stalks his prey.
He knows when we grow weak and weary.
He knows when is the best time to attack.

For me, it has always been in the little things.
This was made especially evident to me this weekend.

A little background first…

When I was in school at Snead, I suffered from depression and anxiety.
No real reason to, everything was fine in school, with my family, everywhere.
But for whatever reason, be it chemical imbalances or subconscious fears, I had a problem.
And for a long time, I was on medication for that.

And it affected my body in ways I hadn’t really anticipated.
Between December and February of that year, I gained 50 pounds and 4 pants sizes.
Such a flux in weight prompted the doctor to take me off one of the medications.
And eventually, I was taken off the other.

I’d always had a fairly hair-trigger temper.
But something along the way changed.
Big problems and issues never really bothered me anymore.
It was just the stupid little things.

Things like my ironing board being broken and not folding right frustrating me to the point of shaking.
Or, such as this Sunday, not knowing how to turn off the projector at church led me to sit in my car and cry for at least fifteen minutes before eventually deciding to eat lunch with some friends from church.

Stupid little things.

When I first moved here and mistakenly had the power turned on at the wrong apartment causing me to have to rebuy all my groceries, no big deal.
When I was in Florence and had a fender bender on the church bus, I laughed it off.
When I found out that the setup for worship was going to be different this week, I embraced the challenge.

But something sent me over.

It could be that I put way too much pressure on myself.
That my expectations for myself are incredibly unrealistic.
That I don’t really understand what my limits are.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 4:6-7

That for whatever reason, I have so much trouble obeying this verse.
I see clear hope in it, but not real practicality.
And that really bothers me.

I do believe that the peace of God is adequate for my needs.
And I know that I am nothing without Him.

I see myself as being this weird kind of faith anomoly.
Whereas many people have problems trusting God with the big things, I have the same problem with smaller things.
Really, insignificant things.
Minor details.

I am too inadequate to fully trust His adequacy.

And then God speaks to me.
Not through a burning bush nor a donkey.
Not even through a hymn nor a Bible verse.
Of all random things, as I sit in my car red-faced with streaming tears, He chooses the shuffle on my iPod to play Jason Mraz featuring James Morrison.

Yes, that Jason Mraz.
The song was “Details in the Fabric.”
Here are some of the key lyrics for me…

=====
Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed
Instead of running around
And pulling all your threads and
Breaking yourself up

Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I’m doing everything

And everything will be fine

Are the details in the fabric?
Are the things that make you panic?
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold
=====

Some days are better than others.
Sunday I had a moment of weakness, of feeling overwhelmed.
And the enemy attacked.

But praise God, help was already on the way!

Here’s to a better tomorrow today.
Peace and love.

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4 thoughts on “Inadequate.

  1. Hey Bro. It’s not surprising that it is the little things. That’s how it usually is. It’s the yapping little dog that will drive you nuts. It’s not the pitbull that will get to you most of the time. He would pretty much destroy in one bite. So its easier to hide behind Jesus for protection for the pitbull. It’s the ankle biter that gnaws you to the one little by little that gets us. I feel you Bro. I feel you! I will pray for you.

  2. With some minor adjustments in details I could have written this post. I used to think we were more compartmentalized beings. Physical. Emotional. Spiritual. Each staying in their own little boxes. I have finally come to realize that EVERYTHING is connected. My spiritual well-being affects my physical body which affects my emotions which affects my spiritual life… and on and on in a never ending tangle of connectedness. My prayers are with you, dear brother and if my arms were long enough my hugs would be, too.

  3. after reading your statement on my blog today…I think that you need to re-read this post! BTW…Jason Mraz has given lots of inspiration to me as well!!

    This is a great post bro!

    Blake

  4. Ok…So I’m a little late in reading this blog. Ok….I’m VERY late in reading this blog. But know that today….of all days….I really really REALLY needed it. You are such an awesome blessing in our lives and I thank God for that day at Lake Guntersville all those years ago! Love you bro!!

    Laura 🙂

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