I guess this is the part of growing up and a rapidly changing life that I’m not too keen on.

I hate having to make decisions.
Especially the hard ones.
Especially when my life isn’t the only one on the line.
When others are involved.
Other lives.
Other futures.
Other plans.

And I hate not being able to make those decisions now…
Quite the paradox, wouldn’t you say?

I’ve been extremely blessed as of late.
What with getting out of a bad church situation and all.
The new job is going extremely well.
I’m out from under a mortgage, which was a huge surprise in a struggling economy.
I’m officially moving to Huntsville at the end of June.
And Jami and I have decided to give us another chance.

In the midst of all of that, however, I still have immense doubts and fears.

I’m so afraid of making a wrong choice…especially when it comes to doing ministry, and how that intertwines with every other aspect of my life.

Since my departure from my last church, I’ve remained fairly active.
Driving to Nashville to support Trevor and Remedy for This Heart.
Driving to Omaha to support Ronnie with the launch of Relevant.
Driving to Tuscaloosa, my home away from home, to help Travis out with D-Now.
Driving to Section…ahem…Macedonia…to preach a Wednesday worship service for Hullett.
And now, I’m actually serving as the Group Leader for New Canaan’s Florence World Changers trip.

Its been such a breath of fresh air to be able to serve but not to have all eyes on me.
To be able to fade into the background of God’s work while not turning away from it.
I suppose this is all part of a grander healing process.

But I am healing.
And it is hard.
I hate that I look at the church with such bitterness and disgust.
I hate that I can’t understand why some people think and act the way they do.
I hate that I have felt so absolutely bludgeoned by the church.
But more than that, I hate that I can’t really help at all.

It sucks.

But there have been some opportunities come up.
And I’ve had to turn some down.
And some have turned me down.

There is one particular opportunity that I don’t believe I could be more torn about.
I guess thats how I know thats not for me to take on right now.

But in light of all the recent changes, and how they all play into how I look at the others, maybe I should just chill a while longer before choosing a particular path.
But I can’t hang like this for long.

I just hope I can choose that time and place wisely.
I wasn’t built for the harbor…

Peace and love.


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