Open.

So I’d decided last year that I was going to be more transparent.
Even in the garbage, the bad stuff.
This is what that is about, I think.
This is me opening up.

Tuesday night was a bad night for me.
I’m not really so sure what exactly triggered it.
But it was rough.
I was pretty much a trainwreck.

Maybe its just my being to sensitive.
I swear I’m such a girl sometimes.

Maybe its just spending so much time alone.
We were never designed by God to live in solitude.
I’ve always been a firm believer that we were created for relationship.
First, relationship with Him, our Creator.
Second, relationship with those around us.
After all, the first thing God saw that he didn’t say was good was…
Anyone ever notice this?
That man was alone.
It is not good to be alone.

Keep in mind, though, that being “single” and being “alone” are not the same thing.
My biggest personal problem is being alone.

Or maybe its that I’m creeping up slowly on hitting the burnout mode in ministry.
Now, don’t misunderstand me.
I know beyond question that I’ve been called by God to a greater purpose than simply existance.
And I love what I do with the kids.
But I’m afraid that I’m trying to do too much.

Most of you know, I’m serving in a small church.
And its okay to be, or be in, a small church.
I just find most of my ideas and desires to be on a scale too grand for what can be supported.

To give you an idea, there are now only five people in our church between their teen years and fifties.
Two people if you don’t count myself or the pastor and his wife.

And when there is that kind of age division, there is a difference in desires of the body of the church.
The elder set have done things the same way for so long, its unlikely any true change will be allowed.
The younger set have seen another way, and have a desire for some kind of tangible difference.
We use words like “passion” and “revolution.”

In a church of 40 or so, even after a family with youth leaves, God is still bringing in 10+ youth every Wednesday night.
Thats awesome!
And to me, it speaks more of God being able to do what he wants despite of our inconsistencies than anything else.

Anyway, back to the burnout.
I’m pushing myself too hard.
I’m teaching the kids on Wednesday and Sunday nights, and have had to get the kids to teach Sunday School.
I just don’t have the time to prepare for three services along with holding down a full time job.
There is no time for me to sit and listen other than the sermons.
Which are generally the same evangelistic message each week.

So I’m essentially doing three lessons per week (because I have to look over and study the Sunday School lessons anyway).
It’s on my shoulders to plan events for the youth.
Concerts, retreats, service projects, and missions trips.

And I’m tired of feeling like I’m half-assing it.

Going to church makes me anxious beyond belief.
I’ve been sick to my stomach for a month since things took a turn.
I’m exhausted mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
And its affecting me physically.

I’m not really sure how long I can keep up this pace.
And its much harder to face these uncertainties alone.

On a different note, A friend of mine started reading the Bible in a year.
You can check out his learnings here.

This kind of commitment inspired me.
So I’ve started reading the Bible on a 90-day plan.
And it has been quite the eye-opening experience.
Currently, I’m only about 12 days in, but I’m committed.

Keep me in your prayers.
For these reasons, and many others.

Peace and love.

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