Cold.

Now that I have had some time to reflect on the past couple of days, I’ve no more answers than before.
Now I just have more questions.
And certainly more doubts.

I still don’t know where my life is headed.

And I enjoy my job at the church.
But I don’t feel as though I’m doing a good job.
Like I’m only kinda halfway doing anything.
And no one seems to notice or care.
I really don’t think some of the kids are listening anymore.
The novelty of having a “new guy” has faded.
And now I find myself having to be more stern.
And when I have to stop mid-lesson to get back on track, there is really no regaining control.
At that point, I’ve lost them.

And I’m starting to sense a kind of lack of commitment from some of the church.
Not just my church either, but others in the community that I’m familiar with.
Sunday school teachers that aren’t there regularly.
People who seem to love God with their wallet, but not their time.
Like they aren’t willing to break out of their comfort zones and break a sweat for him.
How about he broke his body and died a brutal death for you?
Kinda makes whatever we do for him, no matter how grand, seem insignificant, doesn’t it?

I feel like everyone is just going through the motions.
Well, I don’t want to go through the motions.
I want a genuine encounter with Christ and his purpose with his people.

Or what of those who have a strong commitment to addressing certain issues.
The two biggies obviously being homosexuality and abortion.
Not that I really have a problem with that.
We all have those topics that really make us “pound the table,” so to speak.
But just because you’re passionate about one of those doesn’t mean I am, or anyone else has to be.
Yes, these are issues that should be addressed, but not wholly as a church.
Shouldn’t our collective focus rather be on those who need Christ?

And I know the arguments.
That these people do need Christ, and that is the motive for our actions.

We say that, but is that true?
How much of that do we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better about judging others?
Or maybe to make ourselves feel like we have it all together more than others.
And how much of it is us wussing out and giving the “churchy answer?”

Are we so closed as to think that because someone is homosexual or terminates their pregnancy that they can’t be Christians?
How many pastors have lost their jobs because of inappropriate relationships or addictions to pornography?
Yet how often is their salvation questioned?
Isn’t it at that point a realization that we all have sin.
We all have faults.

I might have a glass of wine with dinner occasionally.
Or perhaps a Cuba Libre to calm my nerves after a rough day.
A grand sin to the most fundamental of baptists.
But still, at least I’m not gay or killing babies, right?

Point is that a sin is a sin.
There is no hierarchy.
And who are we to judge whether someone is a christian or not by their lifestyle?
Aren’t we too guilty of sins?
What does your lifestyle say about you?
I know mine needs work.
A lot of work.

So how about we stop throwing stones at people and actually care about them?
How does that sound to you?
Like a good idea?
Well, it should be!
Jesus came up with it.

Anyway…

Yes, I realize that some of these observations do make me a bit of a hypocrite.
I skipped out to be at another church one week.
And I missed the harvest festival to go on a date with my girlfriend.
And I’m okay with that.

I know my faults.
What are yours?

Don’t think that just because you show up that you’re righteous.
Because you’re not.
No one is.

No.
Not.
One.

I want to shake things up.
I want to piss some people off.
I want to offend people.
I want to step on those toes.

And I want to do those things starting with myself.

I’m sick of status quo.

But what can I do?
I feel like I’m confined to what I’m expected to do.
Confined to an image of who other people think I should be.

I want to eventually do a Bible study based on something of cultural relevance.
ie Star Wars or Superman.
Or even, heaven forbid, Harry Potter.
But I can’t.
Thats a no-no.
Apparently the last guy did too, and the church didn’t see eye-to-eye on that.

When the pastor stands in the pulpit and talks about how bad rock music is…
That he used to listen to it, liked the beat, then got caught up in words…
I was taken off guard, but didn’t feel convicted.
Little did he know that in my cd player at that very moment was KISS.

And I do believe that God gave rock and roll to everyone.
Put it in the soul of everyone.

You can find Jesus there, too, you know.
I have.
Sure he “doesn’t belong” there.
But didn’t he always have a knack for being places he didn’t belong?
And with people with less than stellar reputations?

Is that too far outside the box?
Aren’t we instructed to “work out our own salvation with fear and trembling?”
Does that mean the same thing to me as it does to you?
That we are to continually seek answers?
That we are not to grow stagnant in our faith, but continue to challenge it?
That are to be constantly learning what it all means?
Bit by bit, piece by piece, day by day.

Is that so hard?

And how about this for a statement…
I might possibly get a “talking to” from some people at church if word about this post gets out too far.
And that’s even after I’ve edited some parts of it out.
But in reality, I shouldn’t be afraid to leave it all in, should I?
I should be bold enough to make a stand for what I believe.

And I know the subject line makes no sense for this post.
I can explain that.

This was going to be a post about going to the drive-in.
And parts of a discussion held in the cold November air in the back of my pickup.
It was going to be a private post.

Then I got rolling on another topic entirely, somehow.

I’ve got some things I needed to get off my chest.
And unfortunately, not many people around here that I can vent to.

So.
These are my hands.
These are my faults.
These are my plans.
These are my nasty little thoughts.
I wrote ’em down for you to contemplate at a later date.

Peace and love.

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5 thoughts on “Cold.

  1. Kyle you are beyond a doubt one of the coolest people I know. This blog rocks. Your stand against traditional religion is awesome but unfortunately not popular. However, for what it is worth you have my full respect and admiration. Just keep on keeping on!!!

  2. So true!!! I’m so tired of church as usual…feeling like I’m simply “going through the motions”. Back when I was in high school, my youth pastor felt that way and he did something about it. Something totally unorthodox. He told everyone if they didn’t want God to leave. To get out of the youth group and never come back because he didn’t want anyone holding him back. My life changed. My whole focus changed. Have I grown since then? I sincerely hope so. Am I were I should be after all that? HECK NO!

    Now, I’m not saying to get up in your youth group and do that. But when my youth pastor said that, I didn’t care a whoot about God. But I was scared of Pastor Randy and kept going–and that’s how God got a hold of me. Now I’m at a new church and going to the youth group. But am I satisfied? No. I want to see God move even more than he moved in my youth group all those years ago. I want to experience Him in a way I never have.

    I too am imperfect. I make mistakes, I make wrong decisions sometimes. I occasionally find myself REALLY wanting a drink just because of the taste. So no, I’m not perfect. Yet God STILL loves me anyway!!! NO ONE is perfect. You’re right. So why is the church trying to make people feel bad when we are called to LOVE. We are supposed to be imitators of Christ, right? Then why are we not showing His love to the ones who need it most? Why are we not loving the unlovable? He didn’t call us to love what someone does, but He did call us to love the PERSON. Because that’s what He did. “It is not the well that need a doctor, but the sick.”

    It saddens me that the church has lost sight of what it’s true purpose is. My pastor has been talking about reaching out to others a lot more lately. We just finished a series about being a “contagious Christian”. In the Bible study I go to, we’re about to finish up a series called the Truth Project. It is one of the most amazing things I have ever seen.

    Where am I going with all this? I really don’t know. But your blogs make me think. Your blogs hit home because they seem to almost always be about things that I am dealing with too.

    Sorry my replies are like a blog within your blog! ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. Kyle,

    A lot of your opinions in this post mirror a lot of mine. Recently, I have been struggling with my church services. I feel like people aren’t genuine, the worship isn’t genuine, and I don’t know how to deal with it. I wonder if I go somewhere else if it’s going to be any better.

    I have a lot of viewpoints on Christianity that most people think are crazy; they think I am deeply confused, but I think they are confused. There are things that people view as some really major sins that I question as sins at all. Does that make me a bad person?

    Are sins different for different people? Can something be a sin for me that is not a sin for someone else and vice versa?

    There are so many questions that I have, and I hate that I can’t ask them for fear of having my spiritual leaders gasp in horror at my thoughts.

    I think you are an awesome person, and if you wanna talk about ANYTHING AT ALL; call me. Let’s chat.

    ๐Ÿ™‚

    lea

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